BEL MOONEY: Shall I tell everyone my husband cheated on me with other men?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK 

To know the world's injustice requires only a small amount of experience. To accept it without bitterness or envy you need almost the sum total of human wisdom.

From The Folded Leaf by William Maxwell. (American novelist, 1908 - 2000) 

DEAR BEL

I’m 47, married at 30 and thought I’d made a great choice in my husband. I didn’t go for looks or superficial things like some of my friends. I didn’t need love at first sight. I chose someone who seemed to be a good person: a friend whom I grew to love.

Over the years, however, he started to get very moody and nasty and I had to tread on eggshells, as did our two teenage children. We had no sex for the last two years; it was infrequent before then. But he could be good company and from the outside we seemed the perfect couple.

A month ago, my son went to use his father’s smartphone and found links to a gay website. He then searched and found a second mobile phone. On it were dozens of explicit texts from men my husband had had sex with. It’s been a complete bombshell.

I’ve found out that gay men often marry (an estimated four million in the U.S.), but when their lust for men doesn’t go away, they take their anger out on their wives and children and make our lives unbearable.

+1

'A month ago, my son went to use his father's smartphone and found links to a gay website. He then searched and found a second mobile phone. On it were dozens of explicit texts from men my husband had had sex with.'

My husband is in complete denial, saying he isn’t gay, but it’s a ‘tiny part’ of him — despite it being important enough to risk, and lose, his family. I’ve told him the marriage is over and he’s moved out. I feel I’ve been the victim of a conman, yet we’re still on friendly terms, unable to detach from each other properly because we have our own business.

I’m trying to minimise contact, but we still text and see each other a few times a week.

Although I grieve, I’m also staying positive, keeping busy, exercising, reading about how to deal with break-ups etc. There must be so many women (and men married to lesbians) who are suffering like this. Though devastated, I am pleased my son saved us from even more years of misery.

But it does seem to be the case that when these lying, cheating, abusive gay men finally come out they are lauded as heroes and no one even thinks about what they’ve done to their wives and children —damaging our ability to trust.

Obviously, I’m only talking about gay husbands who trick their wives, not about gay men who live their lives bravely and honestly.

So far I’ve been telling people he cheated on me and they assume with another woman. How much should I tell other people about what he’s done, considering that he intends to stay completely in the closet and could possibly trick another woman in the future?

CLARE

Growing older, the less am I surprised by the endless, fascinating, heart-breaking complexity within human needs and weaknesses, and writing this column has taught me much about our infinite capacity for self-deception.

Show me a man or woman who doesn’t look in the mirror and fib, before turning to face the world and magnifying that fib into a fully-fledged untruth — and I will kneel down before a saint.

I see two examples of self-deception within your letter. The obvious, huge one was that your husband lived a lie for so many years and is still trying to persuade you that he is not gay.

It has to be said, of course, that plenty of people are, in fact, bisexual. I know four women who were married for years, but then chose to begin new lives with female partners — and, of course, many men discover their true selves (having tried relationships with both genders) when they realise they are happier being gay.

Others suspect they may be bisexual, but never try it out, living happy lives in relationships that may not be very active in the bedroom, but are full of companionship and contentment.

That’s how it can be — and nothing anybody can ever say or do will change the fact that these shifts can cause great unhappiness, too. As in your case. As in the case of all infidelities which are discovered.

It’s interesting that you distinguish between overtly gay men and those who deny the fact, despite all the evidence. As you say, it meant enough for your husband to put his family life at risk — and I wonder whether subconsciously he wanted to be found out.

It’s been really horrible for you and for your children, but I hope you will do everything you can to talk these matters through, so those vulnerable teens do not lose respect or love for their father. They need to be helped towards an awareness of all the complexity I’m talking about, because it will only make them bigger, better people — more able to deal with what life may throw their way.

You could also discuss (I hope you don’t find these matters embarrassing) the fact that for some people (men and women alike) it is the secrecy, the very furtive nature of clandestine assignations (with whatever gender) which is alluring. Why? Because to be naughty, to transgress is (I’m afraid) yet another aspect of being human.

Now to your question — and my suggestion of a second self-deception. With respect, I don’t quite believe that you want to ‘out’ your husband in order to save another poor woman from the horrible shock you’ve endured.

Such hypothetical altruism doesn’t ring true in this context. If you’d told me that you are so furious, disillusioned and miserable that you don’t damn well see why he should be allowed to go on deceiving the world and being (in a way) protected by you . . . then I’d believe you. And totally understand.

But I would then counsel you not to say or do anything in a spirit of revenge, because that rarely works to the long-term advantage of the avenger. Not good.

Since you and he share a business and children, you will always be in contact, and you cannot and should not cut that off.

So you’d surely hear if he began a relationship with a new woman — and in that case I wouldn’t think it entirely wrong for you to tell him that if he isn’t honest with her about his mixed-up sexuality, you feel you must be.

Who knows what will happen? But of this, I am sure: the most vital thing is to help those teenagers come to terms with this shock, and, therefore, you must yourself — terribly hard though it is.

 

I know my daughter's lover is a liar

DEAR BEL

To cut a fairly long story short, my daughter is 32 and living with a man of 52.

He was in a relationship with another woman for 20 years and they still jointly own a house that they still have a mortgage on.

I completely understand why my daughter got into this relationship because he made her laugh and is outwardly very personable.

Now she works very long hours in London while her partner works locally for himself. My worry is that I know my daughter’s partner is lying to her.

I can almost guarantee that if, in the late afternoon, I drive past the house he still owns and his ex-partner still lives in, he will be there.

His car is outside. I have been quite open in talking about this to people who know him and it seems that they all know he is there, too. The woman who lives next door to the house said yesterday: ‘How on earth is he getting away with it?’

I can’t tell my daughter my suspicions because I know she would defend him to the hilt and probably never speak to me again. What do you think I should do?

MAGGY

Over the years I’ve had so many letters from parents expressing problems like this and I usually find myself torn.

The parent within me completely understands the desire to protect our offspring from hurt, but the advice columnist knows how dangerous interference can be.

There are so many stories of people who speak the truth as they see it, only to be cut off for ever. Frankly, your daughter would surely have no patience with the fact that you have been sneaking about behind her back, talking about her relationship to strangers.

This is dangerous behaviour, even for a very loving mother — especially as you say you have been ‘open’ in talking to others, which might indicate to those others they can be just as open with her about your inquiries.

I can see two possible scenarios. The first is indeed what you suspect: that this man is popping round for a cup of tea and sex with his ex and that the pair of them are laughing at your daughter while he has it all ways, as it were.

The second is that since he was living with this woman for 20 whole years, and they shared a mortgage as well as a life, they have things to discuss.

Perhaps they are real friends who lost their way in love but still want to talk. If he left her for your daughter (which I’m assuming was the case), maybe the ex is still hurting and he is trying to make things better. Maybe there’s an arrangement that he fixes bits and pieces around the house while there.

Which sounds more likely, I wonder? It could be that the woman is allowing herself to be used by the man who cheated on her. It has been known. But my instinct murmurs that my second scenario is the more likely.

How can you ‘know he is lying’? For since you dare not raise this issue with your daughter, how can you be sure she isn’t aware of these visits? And is it truly every day?

Perhaps a large part of you disapproves of the age gap and this is the real reason for your fears. Is it the subtext to your letter?

Whatever the truth, I think you should stop running around and talking about this private matter and not raise it with your daughter unless you have some proof that the man is behaving in a way that would hurt her.

I know you have her best interests at heart, but you need to take a step back and realise that at 32 your daughter is old enough to run her own life.

You could certainly ask her very casually over a cup of tea if her man is ever in touch with his ex and just see what she says. But you are not a private detective, so be careful.

 

And finally... Help this lifeline for the lonely 

Do you want the good news first — or the bad?

The good news is that Esther Rantzen’s brilliant initiative, the Silver Line helpline, celebrates its first birthday this week — 12 candles shining in the darkness for every month of reaching out to older people who desperately want somebody to talk to.

The ‘bad’ news is that the volunteers have answered nearly 300,000 calls — which is about 200,000 more than they anticipated. Think about that.

TROUBLED? WRITE TO BEL

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. 

Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. 

A pseudonym will be used if you wish. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. 

The charity was set up a year ago with a grant from the Big Lottery Fund because Esther and her team knew the need was there — that far too many older people go for days without hearing (let alone seeing) another human soul.

But the extent of what she calls ‘this epidemic of loneliness and isolation’ has really shocked all those who have made Silver Line such a success — 88 per cent of callers live alone and 54 per cent say they have nobody at all to talk to, other than one of the 850 Silver Line volunteers who keep in touch.

Now the helpline is urgently recruiting volunteers to become Silver Line Friends, working from their homes, donating an hour a week to befriend older people who otherwise may spend days or weeks on end without speaking to anyone.

If you think you could help by applying to be a Silver Line Friend, visit thesilverline. org.uk.

They’ve also just announced a new partnership with the Care Quality Commission (CQC), to reach out to older people in residential care. This way they can help CQC respond to any concerns.

Anybody in need who wants to talk to Silver Line about anything should telephone 0800 4 70 80 90 — any time of the day or night.

The rest of us can help in the most obvious way: the charity urgently needs funds in order to pay for the thousand daily calls.

If you want to throw a lifeline to vulnerable older people, donate online or call 020 7224 2020 (in office hours). For older people who are so lonely at Christmas, a friendly voice is a gift.