People complain EastEnders is miserable, and its famous festive special especially so.
They don’t appreciate what a public service the BBC soap performs.
If you had been thinking your life was rubbish or that Christmas Day with the family had been a trial, an hour watching life in Walford would have left you feeling like one of the Chuckle Brothers.
At least you were not one of the poor souls who live in Albert Square, you could tell yourself. At least you were not Mick Carter.
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Unhappy Christmas: Mick Carter (Danny Dyer) finds out his sister Shirley (Linda Henry) is actually his mother in the EastEnders special
It wasn’t just Christmas that Mick was celebrating. He had his ‘faaaaaamily’ gathered round him. He had buried the ‘atchet with his grumpy old git of a father, Stan (Timothy West).
He introduced his kids to Sylvie, the woman he thought was his estranged muvver and had recently been re-united with.
Admittedly, she did look even more like a vampire in drag than Count Dot-ula and was, inevitably, suffering from Alzheimer’s. It was EastEnders after all.
On top of this, Mick’s other half Linda was expecting a baby in the New Year and he was planning to make her day by proposing.
Earning his EastEnders stripes: It's a miserable state of affairs for Danny's character Mick who discovers that his Linda was raped
Finally, it was the anniversary of the Carters taking over the Queen Vic. One year to the day since he’d arrived in the show.
Even as a relative newcomer, he should have known better. This was far too much to celebrate at once. In EastEnders, where an ordinary everyday birthday party is an invitation for disaster, putting all these together was asking for it.
If he’d had any sense Mick would have left town, checked into a hotel by the seaside, and closed the curtains. Waited for the day to end.
But old soppy chops just ploughed right in. Poor Mick. It was like watching a big cuddly teddy bear having the stuffing kicked out of him.
Fight: Mick takes offence at Dean returning to the Christmas lunch and things get physical
And not just Mick. It was harder to bear because - even after twelve months of decent performances - it’s still impossible not to look at Mick and see Danny Dyer: doubly troubling.
Everyone loves Danny Dyer. He’s the sort of bloke men and women alike would want to be friends with – in one way or another. In the nicest possible way, his being in EastEnders gives hope to us all.
So this made Mick’s Christmas Day extra ‘art-breaking.
To put it briefly, Linda said she couldn’t marry him. She told him she had been raped and that the person who had raped her was Shirley Carter’s son, Deano. Mick realised the baby she was expecting might not be his.
It all kicked off and he was beating Dean to a pulp when Shirley stopped him with the desperate revelation that her Dean was not Mick’s nephew after all.
Pulling punches: Mick pulls the first punch against his brother Dean on the Christmas Day episode
‘He’s your bruvver !’ she yelled. ‘Dean is your bruvver!’
Mick only had a second to think about it before the ‘dum-dums’ of the theme-tune appeared. But by tonight’s episode some other harsh realities will have sunk in.
This news also meant Timothy West wasn’t his dad but his granddad, and that the precious mum that he thought he had just got back was his grandma. Tina was not his sister either. What she was now was too confusing and to be honest probably quite low on Mick’s list of priorities. There was a worrying possibility that she had become his auntie.
Above all, Shirley was not his sister as he’d grown-up believing. Shirley was his real muvver.
It’s too much to say this was even more sobering than hearing that his beloved Linda had been raped – by his own nephew, or rather as it turned out his younger bruvver.
Deceit: Dean accuses Linda of lying about the moment that she was 'raped' - saying that it was mutual
But it’s not something any man would want. Occasionally, the scriptwriters make Shirley more sympathetic – as they do with everyone in EastEnders, even the most despicable villains like Derek Branning or Ronnie’s dad, who make great play of saying how much they loved their faaaaaamily. (As if this is not something everyone does, just a great tradition of the East End.)
But it was bad enough having the old soak and scary Terrahawk as your sister. You really wouldn’t want her as your mum.
Apart from learning Linda had been raped, possibly not being her baby’s father, his fight with Deano the rapist, and discovering that Shirley was secretly his mum, the rest of Mick’s Christmas Day was fine.
True, he didn’t feel much like eating his turkey, but at least Lady Di survived the day without being run over.
He's your brother! It's revealed in the show that Dean is Mick's brother, just like the famous Kat Slater moment
Better luck next year eh geezer? Perhaps by then he’ll recognise the signs. They were all there, in the build-up. It started with Linda looking meaningfully in the mirror, which is always ominous. Deano gratuitously mentioned to Denise that he was going to tell Mick something but wouldn’t explain what. ‘The truth,’ he said ‘cryptically’, although not cryptically to us but the opposite: evidently significantly.
Dean then stood outside staring menacingly across the square by Arthur’s bench – another bad omen something grim is on the way. He started swigging vodka from the bottle. Like muvver, like son!
Over at The Vic, the Carters were unusually, improbably, over-excited, even though they were adults – just because it was Christmas Day.
Revelations: It's a happy Christmas until Mick finds out the bad news about the baby that Linda is pregnant with
Danny Dyer in particular was far too ‘appy.
He pointedly referred to Shirley as ‘my beautiful sister’, practically winking at the camera and then promised Linda: ‘trust me, it’s going to be a Christmas you’re never going to forget.’
Nudge, nudge…
Mick and Linda were all lovey-dovey. For his Christmas present, she gave him a West Ham baby-gro, cooing: ‘I love you Mick Carter.’ Any plans they had to name the kid after Sam Allardyce are now presumably on hold.
The final indication what was coming came when Mick started confiding in the person who was going to destroy his day/life.
‘I knew something was eating away at her,’ he told Dean, unwittingly referring to the aftermath of him raping her. For good measure but no real reason, Mick even threw in the confession: ‘I’ve always fancied having a little bruvver I could boss around. A nephew will have to do.’
Oh the irony…
Struggling: There's plenty for Danny Dyer's character to deal with in the Christmas Day episode
‘It means a lot to you doesn’t it?’ Dean asked after Mick’s sentimental speech about the thought of having Linda, his mum, and the baby in his life.
‘It means everything,’ Mick sighed.
For an ordinary ‘erbert who ran a boozer and supported West ‘Am, when it came to proposing Mick was surprisingly articulate, even poetic.
‘What I love most about you is your kind and honest heart,’ he growled romantically, remembering when they first met. ‘You gave that heart to me when we were kids and I’ve looked after it ever since. Every smile,
every tear, I know every corner of your heart and I keep it safe and I promise I always will.’
‘It’s Dean, he raped me,’ she said after he asked her to marry him, rather ruining the mood.
‘If we can just get through Christmas,’ she begged, a feeling we’re all familiar with but possibly not on this scale. ‘We’re going to go downstairs and we’re going to smile, and we’re going to eat our dinner,’ she insisted. ‘If you love me, that’s what we’re going to do.’
Heartache: Shirley struggles when she hears the accusations, knowing all along that Dean and Mick are brothers
‘I’m going to rip his lying throat out !’ Mick roared, not really going along with it. This was an interesting choice of words. ‘Lying’ was hardly the issue, although ‘I’m going to rip his raping throat out’ doesn’t sound right.
‘Three cheers for the happy couple !’ Timothy West shouted when they emerged. Not exactly, no.
‘Have you been crying?’ Sylvie said tenderly.
‘I’m just so glad you’re here mum,’ Mick trembled, falling into her arms.
He was so distraught Danny Dyer’s eyes were getting sleepier and sleeper.
His pained expression suggested that after the Christmas Day he’d had all he wanted was to close them and never open them again.
Still, he had earned his stripes.
He was a real EastEnder now.
Distraught: Linda is seen looking clearly devastated when she admits to the unfortunate incident
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