Rowan Pelling's sex column: I hate my teenager's lazy boyfriend

 

QUESTION: My clever daughter sits A-Levels this summer, but spends all her time with her slacker boyfriend. I know they’re having sex, but she won’t discuss it. She’s lost her ambition, stays out and is so rude to me. I’ve said this boy can’t stay the night, but am thinking of banning him from the house entirely. My husband says this will only make things worse.

ANSWER: Is there is any creature as rash and temperamental as a teenage girl in love for the first time? Your daughter is still a child to you, but presuming she’s 18, she’s an adult in her own eyes and those of the law.

Every instinct in your maternal body cries out to protect your offspring, while the grown-up world of erotic interaction seems laden with threats of pregnancy, heartbreak and coercion. It sounds like your daughter is fighting for independence, so why not place the ball in her court.

tn mind there will always be some boyfriends you like less than others. Your main complaint seems to be he’s not studious and, as you explain in the full version of your letter, that he plays in a band, which sounds like half the youths I know.

I can’t help feeling your husband is right when he advises you not to ban the boy from your house.

Your daughter is clearly spoiling for a fight and this will provide a god-given opportunity for her to storm out, or fail her exams.

Use the boyfriend to your advantage. Tell her that if she studies hard all week, he can stay at the weekend.

In fact, if you accept this lad, you may well find he becomes less exotic to your daughter.

Above all, remember that we have to let go of our children and allow them to make their own mistakes. And rocker boyfriends often ditch the leather and guy-liner before going to university and becoming accountants.